Tilting At The Windmills Of My Mind

Hi, my name is Jim, welcome to my website. I am an old guy in my late sixties who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, an incurable and eventually terminal form of dementia.

It is my hope,that through this blog that I can relate with other sufferers, my remaining life's journey for as long as I can.This may be of interest to others with dementia diagnosis and their family or carers. 

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams--this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all--to see life as it is and not as it should be."

Miguel DeCervantes. 

This is how I feel about the state of my own mind: like everything is just swirling around in circles, like I am frantically trying to organise the mess, both up there and in the world that surrounds me. Searching for meaning in things that on the surface seem meaningless, finding order in things that seem chaotic, searching for truth when others say that there is none to be found. Creating this blog was an opportunity for me to be able to talk to the world, to share my thoughts, to have a voice. It was also a way for me to work out a lot of my own ideas, to see if the things I believe and hold to be true really make sense of my terminal illness , Alzheimer's.

The character of Don Quixote in the book by Cervantes, could be suffering from dementia . He is the right age, right sex, he has illusions/visual hallucinations, as well as the accompanying delusions. Occasionally, however, he also experiences moments of clarity, which illustrate his fluctuating cognition.

We see an older man who is said to have "slept and eaten too little and got too carried away reading chivalric novels". We get a clear insight into, not only what he experiences when he has illusions of monsters (the giants towering above him that emerge from windmills and wine skins), but also how he experiences moments of joy with his beloved Dulcinea. For instance, when she throws him a flower during the joust the flower vanishes in a puff of smoke when he catches it. A brief moment of double experience – reality and illusion simultaneously co-existing – like those so often described by patients, in particular, those in which they see figures which "vanish in a puff of smoke".

I am now well into my first year, since being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Although the medical professionals are of the opinion that I have had AD for several years now. I am unaware of any major changes in my condition since official diagnosis. At least that is my perception,which may not be that of my dear wife and carer. I am certainly aware that there have been some minor changes to my cognitive abilities and to my personal confidence when socialising with others. I am also conscious of being more anxious and irritable in certain stressful situations.Travelling by car as a passenger in particular,I regularly sit with my eyes closed until we reach our destination.Needless to say we do not travel very far,etheir to go for shopping, or to visit medical and welfare professionals. 

My sleep paterns and sleep quality have also changed and continue to deteriorate. I cannot remember (unintentional pun!) when I last had a long, uninterrupted and refreshing sleep.I tend to have several mini sleeps with vivid dreams or nightmares,all of which leaves me feeling tired both physically and mentally during the day. 

I am also banned from answering the home telephone,I am now required to let it ring to answer machine in the event of my wife being un available to take any call. I previously got chastised for being rude and aggressive ,particularly to cold callers,or individuals trying to sell me stuff.I have a wonderful talking parrot and allowed her to join in the conversations!! I honestly wish that my sense of humour is with me to the end,I would miss it dearly,it shines a light that others fail to reach.It is my sword and shield.

Following my initial negative experience with the drug Aricept, taken at different strengths, over a period of several months, my daily routine has now settled down to one of ongoing dependance on my dear wife for my care and welfare. Without her I would be in serious trouble. I am also physically disabled with Arthritis and require assistance with walking. She continues daily, at an incredible rate of knots! to ensure that I am washed,clothed ,fed and have all of my daily medication, which I may require. I constantly worry about her and the eventual toll that this increasing drudgery, generated by me, will inevitably have on her own health. I firmly believe that to come to terms with someone who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, carers and family must first of all, let go of the previous person they knew and embrace the new person, just as they are. Since that person will continue to change as time goes by. Remembering that he or she is living in the present and to let go of the person they used to love.That person is never coming back.



"Look Closer"

Small changes,mistakes,
thoughts no longer clear
illogical logic,
herald an unspoken fear.

Dark days are upon me,
our future dreams dead,
I think of the life we had planned,
I shudder with dread.

Too young, I grow old,
and nature is cruel,
'tis brutal to make such intelligence,
look like a fool.

My mind twists and crumbles,
vigour and grace depart,
no one can hear my thoughts,
know that I still have a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
the young man still dwells,
and every now and then,
my battered heart swells.

Though I cannot speak it,
I remember the joys and pain,
in my mind I am living,
life over again.

Please think of those years,
all to few,gone to fast,
and accept the stark fact,
that nothing can last.

So open your eyes people,
open and see,
not a shell of a man,
look closer....see ME!!