The Pilgrim's progress

The Pilgrim's progress - from this world

         to that which is to come.

The first few weeks after my diagnosis, the emotional impact of having been told that I had Alzheimer’s disease, was so powerful for me that it became the main focus of my life. I took the decision that my previous lifestyle and expectation was now gone and that It now required a complete re-evaluation.

I have previously referred to this disease as “the long good-bye,” during which a person with Alzheimer’s gradually moves away toward a land into which friends and family cannot follow. 

This now leads me to speculate on my own personal beliefs on mortality and the essence of spirituality, having previously held an agnostic viewpoint on religion and faith.That is not to say that I never stopped wondering and tended to keep an open mind.The unknown invites you to question and search for the meaning of life, in the past, present and future.When we are seriously ill, we tend to get caught up in statistics and averages; How soon will the illness progress? How long do I have left? These can be helpful to know, but they don’t always provide spiritual and emotional comfort.

Since my confirmed diagnoses I find as I look inward that I am starting to re-evaluate my position. I suspect that this is a natural reaction when faced with one's own mortality when it comes into focus. Discovering that you are dying naturally makes you take inventory of your life. You have a right to have questions, fears and hopes. Illness establishes new directions and often causes some questioning of old directions. New thoughts, feelings and action patterns will emerge. 

These are the kind of things we might discuss with one another at any time, any day, as we live our lives, but most of us don’t; it’s almost taboo,  at least among men. So often we wait until the person is close to death or, more often, perhaps, until the memorial service, before we dare articulate these human feelings and the possibility of spiritual belief for comfort. Even with the certainty that you will die from this illness, you can find hope in your tomorrows, your next visit from someone loved, your spirituality. At bottom, hope means finding meaning in life, whether that life will last five more days, five more months or five years.If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. You may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services or prayingIt must be comforting  to be around people who can understand and support your religious and spiritual beliefs. Comforting to find someone to talk to who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.you don’t have to depend on anyone else. But confronting a terminal illness cannot and should not be done alone. As difficult as it may be,I believe that we must reach out to our fellow human beings. Most of us know whom we feel comfortable turning to when we are under stress. I would dearly love to have a spiritual mentor to help me face what I know is ahead,however the reality is I have never attended any church or religious groups in my later years.

I remember well some years back, visiting a Benedictine Priory on a day visit. It left a very lasting impression on me which made me start to question my own beliefs.The place was an amazing mixture of calm, peace and strong vibes of love and understanding. In complete contrast to the modernity which surrounded it. I have often thought of going into a retreat there to try and come to terms with my inner thoughts. As an Alzheimer's Pilgrim I am now on a personal spiritual journey to help me find an inner peace to arm me for the battle ahead.I realise that perception and failing mental abilities will impact on  
these preparations, however I will fight this to the end.

Whatever I do, I will not isolate myself and withdraw from the people that love me.